[A thought or two on life )O(]
No Judgments Pleaseconsiderations of recent events
2008-01-16
i've been sick for a few days, ok well, i've actually been sick since a few days before i left NJ and i'm still sick, partially not being helped by the fact that for the first week i was home, i could not sleep when the husband was home because i was fearful that the minute i did he would have my medication. WHICH HE DID.he was mad at me about the fact that i would not help him so even though he bought groceries, food for himself. he didnt buy anything that i could or would eat, because he wanted to remind me that i had already cost him a fortune for my trip away. "AND IF I WASNT GOING TO HELP HIM WHILE HE WAS IN PAIN< THEN HE DIDN"T CARE IF I STARVED OR NOT."
i havent really been hungry since then anyway, so it doesn't really matter. he's gotten physical a few times when he mixed OTC sleeping medications. what saved me was my dog, DEIDRE AND SOMEHOW THE ABILITY TO GET BACK IN THE BEDROOM & KEEP IT LOCKED TILL HE SOBERED UP.
much of that night seems a little spotty for me because even though i was awake when he dragged me from the bed, by my ankle, i have no idea why he was so mad at me. i still dont. but the next day, he apologized for the first time ever for doing something and not remembering what he did. even though there have been many of those nights.
i have been pondering many things lately.
i had been thinking that after years, decades even of the hatred that i carried around for the christian faith: that i no longer i held that hatred anymore. I HAVE DECIDED TO LET IT GO. HATING A RELIGION DOES NOT HELP ME AND YET IT WILL TAKE ME SOME TIME YET FOR THOSE YOU STILL WISH TO WITNESS CONSTANTLY OR WHO'S ONLY ANSWER TO MY ISSUE'S SEEM TO BE "WWJD" CAUSE I DONT CARE.
then i started to thinking about the fact that my father has never believed me and after all the evidence that he has been confronted with and still he refuses to see that i might have been hurt over his own brother timothy. maybe he can't see that i can do anything. and that s why he took the spouse's side. always taking anyone else's side but my own. I DON'T HATE MY FATHER, HE IS AFTER ALL MY FATHER, AND HE TRIED HIS BEST CONSIDERING THE WAY HE WAS RAISED, MAYBE I SHOULD LET IT GO, IF I CAN. if i can?
it only hurts me to continue to dwell on it. clearly he couldn't care less anymore.
which brings me to my uncle timothy, my major abuser. the reason that i still have major triggers to this day, well, he and my father. but the sexual abuse was truly the kind that i have held onto all these years to; its what i have had nightmares about, made decsions in my life about things about him... because of what he did to me, the harm. the childhood i will never get back. but i have been told over and over again that my hatred of him means nothing to him because it only effects me and yet, it has NOT truly helped me either SO I HAD PONDERED THE ABILITY TO FORGIVE.
someone, whom i love and respect more than i can even explain how much. told me once that forgiveness did not mean i would be forgetting what happened. im not sure can ever do that, honesty. forget i mean, so i wondered could i actually forgive?
would i be able to forgive myself as easy as forgiving those whom have hurt me in the past...? I DON'T HONESTLY KNOW
then something happened, something that made me think that maybe ive been selfish lately...
that past post was a trip back that the my Shaman teachers wanted me to make, because learning about your past is a way to learn about our future. and when i was trying to come to terms with all of it, i realized that maybe my uncle wants to hurt me now because he feels that i have destroyed his life. made it impossible for him to be with other women because in the fit of anger i said something that could be considered a curse. there was darkness in my soul back then, i would have killed those dogs had given the choice because i certainly wanted to kill myself and i tried often enough. which made me wonder, would anyone i care about be safe, if i couldnt figure out a way to fix it.
so i thought about the offers that i had received and the people i loved who made them. and why they made them.
so i wondered if it was fair to stress them more. wWHEN I COULD FREE THEM
i'm tired i admit it. i am not sleeping at nyght, i cannot sleep then and be sure that all is safe, the few times that exhaustation hit, dreams have been hitting too. some have been pleasant and some not, some are reoccurring. the same, one of being left behind.
left behind... for what?
so i wonder, my money comes in and i could stay here and just stay alive the best way i could?
i could go see uncle and see if i can fix the mess i made of things and see if he allows peace to come to my friends
and yes i have wondered if i took the easy way out if it would break whatever curse i might have placed at the shy age of 14
but i love Him so much that now that He owns me, even if He might sometimes wish He didn't...
i can't hurt Him that way, i won't. I WON'T. MY LOVE IS TOO GREAT.
even though i thought i would not never love again. and yet the plain truth is that i have loved for far too long, first meetings, first conversations. the first time he made me smile in spite of everything happening in my life
Barnabus (2008-01-18)
I really think Mr. Uncle should be coming to see you...to see if he can fix the mess he made of things, as you should not be the one to have to do that!!
Is there no place to hide all but a few of your drugs, that you're going to take that day or perhaps the next day, so the rest will be safe? I made a little 'safe' out of a VHS tape once, to hide money!!could hide Drugs too, and name it something he totally not interested in!! I had named mine Bible Stories!! Also maybe he should order that tramadol!!
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