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you know it's sad when...

2008-04-07

it's almost 4am and you can't sleep.

it's almost 3am and your body suddenly reminds you that the most you have eaten all day are toasted coconut covered marshmellows and now your sugar is too low, and you have to eat.

when you have a house full of groceries, your mind is shutting down due to lack of insulin, and you're shaking like an alcoholic with the DT's but you decide that you're in too much pain to eat.

you know its sad when you are so lonely for company that you visit your best friend's Myspace page and Facebook page just to stare at the pictures of someone... who DOES HAVE A LIFE!

it's even worse when you wonder if there are enough sugars in baby carrot sticks, just so you don't have to cook or take much energy to eat at 4am, but you decide that slipping into a coma due to low blood sugar would piss off your Master, entirely too much.

you know its sad when you wait for your mate to fall asleep just so you can hold the flogger, you bought months ago, in your hands... letting swish softly against your legs just so happy, memories will come flooding back....

you have a nightmare that freaks you out so bad that you don't want to sleep, but then you have thoughts that falling asleep while sugar is so low might be the best thing that happened to everyone in your life....
 
you sleep with a stuffed shigure dog just because it still only faintly smells like him and you don't want to forget that even though you're having thoughts that he wouldnt be happy about.

when you're....
....
....
....

when you lie in bad, shaking still, wishing the juice would kick in, and the tears flowing down your face would stop before...

you use to cry a lot less, before you decided to stop cutting yourself forever, because it would upset Him, and you didn;t want to disappoint your Master.

you think just a few slices of a knife across your arms would make you feel so much better, than the pain you feel inside right now...
but you've become weak, cause now you don't want to have to tell Him that you cut yourself.

you sniffle in bed quietly because you don't want your mate waking up to hurt you in any way... so you hold the pain  you feel inside now, so tightly inside you that you feel like its going to start screaming to get out.

when you had a better weekend than maybe you think you deserve to have considering everything that might have happened.

you know you will delete a section of this because... there is one thing about sharing your thoughts with everyone, there is quite another in sharing that which might hurt another by your own pathetic admissions.


**to those reading this, my blood sugar rose back to where it should be after some juice and a few glucose tablets.  So I didn't kill myself through the night, no matter what some of you might have thought.

And yes I did remove a section of these ramblings... it was too painful, internally to post or share. Im finally going to sleep now that its a,most 5 o clock.

well i guess its not sad that i finally think i can fall asleep**

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